Lists of All Kinds

APHORISM: a short, pointed sentence that expresses a wise or clever observation or a general truth.

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. – like, it could be the right number.

13. No one ever says “It’s only a game” when their team is winning.

14. I’ve reached the age where ‘happy hour’ is a nap.

15. Be careful about reading the fine print there’s no way you’re going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)

18. Money can’t buy happiness — but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Yugo.

19. After 60, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you’re probably dead.

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don’t mind and the ones that mind don’t matter.

21. Life isn’t tied with a bow but it’s still a gift.

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April 16, 2012 Posted by | Humour | Leave a comment

The Laws of Golf

LAW 1:No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have Inner Peace knowing that a worse one is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2:Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3:Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made with this most unusual natural alloy.

LAW 4:Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5:The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 6:A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an Revenue Canada agent — or some similar combination.

LAW 7:All 3-woods are demon-possessed. Your Mother in Law does not come close.

LAW 8:Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water. See LAW 3.

LAW 9:The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 10:Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 11:All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

LAW 12:Since bad shots come in groups of three, your fourth consecutive bad shot is really the beginning of the next group of three.

LAW 13:If it isn’t broke, try changing your grip.

LAW 14:It’s surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 8.

LAW 15:Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

LAW 16: Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

LAW 17: It’s not a gimme if you’re still 4 feet away.

LAW 18: The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

LAW 19: You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.

LAW 20: Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make a double or triple bogey to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

LAW 21: If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to use it to lay up just short of a water hazard.

LAW 22: There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

LAW 23:A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

LAW 24:Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.

November 21, 2011 Posted by | Humour, Sports | Leave a comment

Golf Quotes

These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow ~ Sam Snead

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool. ~ George Brett

Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that ~ Jim Murray

The only sure rule in golf is – he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.. ~ Mickey Mantle

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you’re not good at them ~ Kevin Costner

I don’t fear death, but I sure don’t like those three-footers for par.. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

After all these years, it’s still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. ~ Brian Weis

Swing hard in case you hit it. ~ Dan Marino

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ~ Jack Benny

There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground. ~ Ben Hogan

Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you’re the best ~ Jack Nicklaus

The uglier a man’s legs are, the better he plays golf. It’s almost a law. ~ H G Wells

I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course. ~ Billy Graham

If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.. ~ Bob Hope

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. ~ Henny Youngman

If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.. ~ Jack Lemmon

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.. ~ Lee Trevino

I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced. ~ Lee Trevino

June 7, 2010 Posted by | Humour, Sports | Leave a comment

Smile Lines (1)

  1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.
  2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
  3. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  4. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
  5. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
  6. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
  7. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
  8. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are missing.
  9. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  10. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
  11. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
  12. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  13. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  14. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  15. Being ‘over the hill’ is much better than being under it!
  16. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up. 18 . Procrastinate Now!
  17. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
  18. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  19. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
  20. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
  21. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
  22. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
  23. Ham and eggs…A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
  24. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
  25. I smile because I don’t know what the heck is going on. 

February 8, 2010 Posted by | Humour | Leave a comment

I Can’t Believe It’s English (makes ESL a tough course)

  1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
  2. The farm was used to produce produce.
  3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
  4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
  5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
  6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
  7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
  8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
  9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
  10. I did not object to the object.
  11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
  12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
  13. They were too close to the door to close it.
  14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
  15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
  16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.T
  17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
  18. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
  19. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
  20. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
  21. Let’s face it  English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
  22. And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
  23. If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
  24. How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
  25. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
  26. PS.  Why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with ‘quick’ ?
  27. There is a two letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two letter word, and that is ‘UP.’
  • It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?
  • At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ?
  • Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?
  • We call UP our friends.
  • And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen
  • We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
  • People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
  • To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
  • A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
  • We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
  • We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !
  • To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary:
    • In a desksized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
    • If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
    • It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
    • When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP .
    • When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
    • When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
    • When it doesn’t rain for awhile, things dry UP.

February 6, 2010 Posted by | Humour | Leave a comment

New Definitions for Familiar Words

 Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

 Balderdash: A rapidly receding hairline.

 Circumvent: An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

Coffee: The person upon whom one coughs.

 Esplanade: To attempt an explanation while drunk.

 Flabbergasted: Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

 Flatulence: Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has  been run over by a steamroller.

 Frisbeetarianism: The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

 Gargoyle: Olive-flavored mouthwash.

 Lymph: To walk with a lisp.

 Negligent: Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

 Oyster: A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

 Pokemon:  A Rastafarian proctologist.

 Rectitude: The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

 Testicle: A humorous question on an exam.

 Willy-nilly: Impotent

Source: Washington Post Mensa Invitational

December 15, 2009 Posted by | Humour | Leave a comment

New Words from Washington Post Mensa Readers

The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,  subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the  subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about  yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you  realize it was your money to start with.

Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these  really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a  hillbilly.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

December 15, 2009 Posted by | Humour | Leave a comment

Newbie Buys a Computer (apologies to Abbott & Costello’s “Who’s On Third”)

SALESMAN: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

 NEWBIE: Thanks I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

 SALESMAN: Mac?

 NEWBIE: No, the name’s Lou.

 SALESMAN: Your computer?

 NEWBIE: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

 SALESMAN: Mac?

 NEWBIE: I told you, my name’s Lou.

 SALESMAN: What about Windows?

 NEWBIE: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

 SALESMAN: Do you want a computer with Windows?

 NEWBIE: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

 SALESMAN: Wallpaper.

 NEWBIE: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

 SALESMAN: Software for Windows?

 NEWBIE: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

 SALESMAN: Office.

 NEWBIE: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

 SALESMAN: I just did.

 NEWBIE: You just did what?

 SALESMAN: Recommend something.

 NEWBIE: You recommended something?

 SALESMAN: Yes.

 NEWBIE: For my office?

 SALESMAN: Yes.

 NEWBIE: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

 SALESMAN: Office.

 NEWBIE: Yes, for my office!

 SALESMAN: I recommend Office with Windows.

 NEWBIE: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

SALESMAN: Word.

NEWBIE: What word?

 SALESMAN: Word in Office.

 NEWBIE: The only word in office is office.

 SALESMAN: The Word in Office for Windows.

 NEWBIE: Which word in office for windows?

 SALESMAN: The Word you get when you click the blue ‘W’.

 NEWBIE: I’m going to click your blue ‘w’ if you don’t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

 SALESMAN: Money.

 NEWBIE: That’s right. What do you have?

 SALESMAN: Money.

 NEWBIE: I need money to track my money?

 SALESMAN: It comes bundled with your computer.

 NEWBIE: What’s bundled with my computer?

 SALESMAN: Money.

 NEWBIE: Money comes with my computer?

 SALESMAN: Yes. No extra charge.

 NEWBIE: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

 SALESMAN: One copy.

 NEWBIE: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

 SALESMAN: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

 NEWBIE: They can give you a license to copy money?

 SALESMAN: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

 (A few days later)

SALESMAN: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

 NEWBIE: How do I turn my computer off?

 SALESMAN: Click on ‘START’………..

September 2, 2009 Posted by | Humour | Leave a comment

You May Live in Canada (according to Jeff Foxworthy)

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May,

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don’t work there,

If you’ve worn shorts and a parka at the same time,

If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number,

If ‘Vacation’ means going anywhere south of Detroit for the weekend,

If you measure distance in hours,

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once,

If you have switched from ‘heat’ to ‘A/C’ In the same day and back again,

If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching,

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked,

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them,

If you design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit,

If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km — you’re going 90 and everybody is passing you,

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow,

If you know all 4 seasons; almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction,

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car,

If you find 2 degrees ‘a little chilly’,

July 22, 2009 Posted by | Humour | Leave a comment

Improbable Headlines

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery;20Hundreds Dead

July 21, 2009 Posted by | Humour | Leave a comment