Lists of All Kinds

Definitions

 

Source: http://www.butlerwebs.com/jokes/definitions.htm

 

ABASH:  A high school graduation party.

 

ABDICATE:  To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

 

ACCOUNT:  A Countess’s husband.

 

ACRE:  Literally means the amount of land plowable in one day.  So in my case it would be four feet by four feet.

 

ADULT:  A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

 

AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to have sex again.

 

ANTIQUE:  An item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of,  and you’re buying again.

 

ARBITRATOR (ar’-bi-tray’-ter):  A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at Burger King.

 

ATHEISM is a non-prophet organization. — George Carlin

 

AVOIDABLE (uh-voy’-duh-buhl’):  What a bullfighter tries to do.

 

BALDERDASH:  A rapidly receding hairline.

 

BARIUM:  What we do to most people when they die.

 

BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

 

BEAUTY PARLOR:  Places where women curl up and dye.

 

BOSS:  Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

 

CANNIBAL:  Someone who is fed up with people.

 

CANTALOUPE:  Gotta get married in a church.

 

CAR SICKNESS:  The feeling you get when the car payment is due.

 

CATALOGS:  Rails used to build cow fences.

 

CHICKENS:  The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

 

CLASSIC:  A book which people praise, but do not read.

 

CLOTHES DRYER:  An appliance designed to eat socks.

 

COFFEE:  A person who is coughed upon.

 

COLLEGE:  The four year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.

 

COMMITTEE:  A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

 

COMPROMISE: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

 

CONFERENCE: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

 

CONTROL (kon’-trol):  A short, ugly inmate.

 

COURTESY:  The art of yawning with your mouth closed.

 

DERANGE:  Where de buffalo roam.

 

DICTIONARY: A place where success comes before work.

 

DIPLOMAT: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

 

DIVORCE:  Future tense of marriage.

 

DOCTOR:  A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

 

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

 

DUST:  Mud with the juice squeezed out.

 

EGOTIST:  Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

 

EMERGENCY NUMBERS:  Police station, Fire Department and Places that deliver.

 

Etc:  A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.\

 

ETERNITY: The last two minutes of a football game.

 

EYEDROPPER (i’-drop-ur):  A clumsy ophthalmologist.

 

EXPERIENCE : The name men give to their mistakes.

 

FABLE:  A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

 

FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

 

FANCY RESTAURANT:  One that serves cold soup on purpose.

 

FATHER:  A banker provided by nature.

 

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

 

FLABBERGASTED:  Appalled over how much weight you have gained.

 

FULL NAME:  What you call your child when you’re mad at him/her.

 

GOSSIP:  A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

 

GRANDMOTHER: A baby-sitter who doesn’t hang around the refrigerator.

 

GRANDPARENTS:  The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

 

GROCERY LIST:. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

 

GUM: Adhesive for the hair.

 

HAIR DRESSER:  Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See “Magician.”

 

HANDKERCHIEF:  Cold Storage.

 

HEARSAY:  What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

 

HEROES (hee-rhos’):  What a guy in a boat does.

 

HINDSIGHT: What one experiences from changing too many diapers.

 

HORS D’OEUVRES:  A sandwich cut into 20 pieces.

 

IMPREGNABLE:  A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

 

INDEPENDENT:  How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

 

INFLATION:  Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

 

KISSING:  A means of getting two people so close together that they can’t see anything wrong with each other.

 

LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.

 

MISER:  A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

 

MISTY (mis-tee’):  How golfers create divots.

 

MYTH:  A female moth.

 

MOSQUITO:  An insect that makes you like flies better.

 

NAIL POLISH: Part of an assortment of make-up items such as lipstick, eyeliner, blush etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look “like a tramp.”

 

OPPORTUNIST:  A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

 

OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom’s nickname for Dad.

 

OW:  The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

 

OYSTER:  A person who sprinkles their conversation with Yiddish expressions.

 

PARADOX (par’-u-doks’):  Two physicians.

 

PARK:  Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.”  After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

 

PHILOSOPHER:  A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

 

POLITICIAN: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

 

POLYGON:  A dead parrot.

 

PRENATAL:  When your life was still somewhat your own.

 

PRIMATE (pri’-mate’):  Removing your husband from in front of the TV.

 

PRIVATE TUTOR:  Someone who doesn’t fart in public.

 

PROFESSOR:  Someone who talks in someone else’s sleep.

 

PSYCHOLOGIST:  A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

 

PUDDLE:  A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

 

QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

 

REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.

 

RELIEF (ree-leef’): What trees do in the spring.

 

RUBBERNECK:  What you do to relax your wife.

 

SCHOOL TEACHER:  A disillusioned person who used to think thhe liked children.

 

SEAMSTRESS:  Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.

 

SECRET:  Something you tell to one person at a time.

 

SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.

 

SHOW OFF:  A child who is more talented than yours.

 

SKELETON:  A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

 

SMILE: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

 

SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.

 

STERILIZE:  What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

 

SUBDUED (sub-dood’):  Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man.

 

SUDAFED:  Brought litigation against a government official.

 

TOOTHACHE:  The pain that drives you to extraction.

 

TOP BUNK:  Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

 

TOMORROW:  One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

 

TWO-MINUTE WARNING:  When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

 

VEGETARIAN:  Old Indian word for bad hunter.

 

YAWN:  An honest opinion openly expressed.

 

YAWN: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

 

VUJA DE:  The Feeling You’ve Never Been Here.

 

WITHDRAWL: To remove money from a bank down south.

(Submitted by Pericak.)

 

WRINKLES:  Something other people have. You have character lines.

 

ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.

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January 20, 2009 - Posted by | Humour

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