Lists of All Kinds





ABASH:  A high school graduation party.


ABDICATE:  To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.


ACCOUNT:  A Countess’s husband.


ACRE:  Literally means the amount of land plowable in one day.  So in my case it would be four feet by four feet.


ADULT:  A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.


AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to have sex again.


ANTIQUE:  An item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of,  and you’re buying again.


ARBITRATOR (ar’-bi-tray’-ter):  A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at Burger King.


ATHEISM is a non-prophet organization. — George Carlin


AVOIDABLE (uh-voy’-duh-buhl’):  What a bullfighter tries to do.


BALDERDASH:  A rapidly receding hairline.


BARIUM:  What we do to most people when they die.


BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.


BEAUTY PARLOR:  Places where women curl up and dye.


BOSS:  Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.


CANNIBAL:  Someone who is fed up with people.


CANTALOUPE:  Gotta get married in a church.


CAR SICKNESS:  The feeling you get when the car payment is due.


CATALOGS:  Rails used to build cow fences.


CHICKENS:  The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.


CLASSIC:  A book which people praise, but do not read.


CLOTHES DRYER:  An appliance designed to eat socks.


COFFEE:  A person who is coughed upon.


COLLEGE:  The four year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.


COMMITTEE:  A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.


COMPROMISE: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.


CONFERENCE: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.


CONTROL (kon’-trol):  A short, ugly inmate.


COURTESY:  The art of yawning with your mouth closed.


DERANGE:  Where de buffalo roam.


DICTIONARY: A place where success comes before work.


DIPLOMAT: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.


DIVORCE:  Future tense of marriage.


DOCTOR:  A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.


DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.


DUST:  Mud with the juice squeezed out.


EGOTIST:  Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.


EMERGENCY NUMBERS:  Police station, Fire Department and Places that deliver.


Etc:  A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.\


ETERNITY: The last two minutes of a football game.


EYEDROPPER (i’-drop-ur):  A clumsy ophthalmologist.


EXPERIENCE : The name men give to their mistakes.


FABLE:  A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.


FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.


FANCY RESTAURANT:  One that serves cold soup on purpose.


FATHER:  A banker provided by nature.


FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.


FLABBERGASTED:  Appalled over how much weight you have gained.


FULL NAME:  What you call your child when you’re mad at him/her.


GOSSIP:  A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.


GRANDMOTHER: A baby-sitter who doesn’t hang around the refrigerator.


GRANDPARENTS:  The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.


GROCERY LIST:. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.


GUM: Adhesive for the hair.


HAIR DRESSER:  Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See “Magician.”


HANDKERCHIEF:  Cold Storage.


HEARSAY:  What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.


HEROES (hee-rhos’):  What a guy in a boat does.


HINDSIGHT: What one experiences from changing too many diapers.


HORS D’OEUVRES:  A sandwich cut into 20 pieces.


IMPREGNABLE:  A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.


INDEPENDENT:  How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.


INFLATION:  Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.


KISSING:  A means of getting two people so close together that they can’t see anything wrong with each other.


LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.


MISER:  A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.


MISTY (mis-tee’):  How golfers create divots.


MYTH:  A female moth.


MOSQUITO:  An insect that makes you like flies better.


NAIL POLISH: Part of an assortment of make-up items such as lipstick, eyeliner, blush etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look “like a tramp.”


OPPORTUNIST:  A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.


OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom’s nickname for Dad.


OW:  The first word spoken by children with older siblings.


OYSTER:  A person who sprinkles their conversation with Yiddish expressions.


PARADOX (par’-u-doks’):  Two physicians.


PARK:  Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.”  After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.


PHILOSOPHER:  A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.


POLITICIAN: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.


POLYGON:  A dead parrot.


PRENATAL:  When your life was still somewhat your own.


PRIMATE (pri’-mate’):  Removing your husband from in front of the TV.


PRIVATE TUTOR:  Someone who doesn’t fart in public.


PROFESSOR:  Someone who talks in someone else’s sleep.


PSYCHOLOGIST:  A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.


PUDDLE:  A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.


QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.


REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.


RELIEF (ree-leef’): What trees do in the spring.


RUBBERNECK:  What you do to relax your wife.


SCHOOL TEACHER:  A disillusioned person who used to think thhe liked children.


SEAMSTRESS:  Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.


SECRET:  Something you tell to one person at a time.


SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.


SHOW OFF:  A child who is more talented than yours.


SKELETON:  A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.


SMILE: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.


SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.


STERILIZE:  What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.


SUBDUED (sub-dood’):  Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man.


SUDAFED:  Brought litigation against a government official.


TOOTHACHE:  The pain that drives you to extraction.


TOP BUNK:  Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.


TOMORROW:  One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.


TWO-MINUTE WARNING:  When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.


VEGETARIAN:  Old Indian word for bad hunter.


YAWN:  An honest opinion openly expressed.


YAWN: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.


VUJA DE:  The Feeling You’ve Never Been Here.


WITHDRAWL: To remove money from a bank down south.

(Submitted by Pericak.)


WRINKLES:  Something other people have. You have character lines.


ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.


January 20, 2009 - Posted by | Humour

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